I’ll Forever miss you Deborah Chika

Once upon a time, on a bright sunny day, I set out for my summer coaching centre. That year was ’05. I was preparing for my GCE. Usual bants from the boys were flowing around. Then something caught my attention, a young pretty lady with a bible. That isn’t unusual. But she’s with the New World Translation. I struck up a conversation.

Fast forward to ’08, our path crossed again. This time, series of conversations had passed and a friendship had ensued. By’ 09, we became school mates and the friendship got stronger.

You see, I’d always thought about life from the leftist perspective. This young woman groomed me. I had two mothers in school, Aunty Bolanle abandoned me after she graduated, the other stuck with me even with my faults. She taught me life. She taught me strength. She taught me courage in the face of adversity.

She taught me how to love a woman.

I have so much to say but words are deserting me at this point. Memories are flooding my head I can’t seem to stick with one. My eyes tarry as I write this. My mind wanders into the unknown.

We’re born, and then we gone. Nobody lives forever. It’s alright and then it’s not. Freedom is a kind of prison.

I can see the future, I have a dream. I see people free from the pain within. I see God’s kingdom.

From the highway of life, I see reflections from a distance, see them walking on the water. The closer I get, the faster it fades away. The mirage of life. Everything you thought you knew today, fades away.

Every memories we share stays with me. I wish I could document them. I wish I could record all and keep it save for references. Can’t believe I’m writing this.

Once upon a time, I made you promise not to ever die before me. I said I wasn’t going to forgive you if you did….

Valential Arabella Rain.

Chattel.

Princess.

Last born.

Mummy’s handbag.

Olúwa Chika.
Chika with the “CH” and not “SH”.

Never stopped loving you. No I never did.

Thanks for living a worthy life in Jah’s service.

Thanks for gracing us with your presence on this earth.

You’ve given us another reason to look forward to when He’ll call, and all those sleeping in death will answer. 

My thoughts are with your husband and children, your mum and dad, your siblings and all those you genuinely cared for.

Keep on resting Deborah Abike Chika.

See you soon Ukachukwu Gold.

Your friend,

Tolulope.

The Last Man Standing

I always come last!

All my life, I always dey carry last. From teenage years till adulthood. Many times I wonder how I got to be the first born in my family because the trait of the 12th chosen abounds in me.

I remember my first day in NYSC camp, majestically strolling to the tent to pick my kits, only to be told my camp number ends with Zero (0). As such, I have to be in platoon 10. I resisted. I disagreed. I fought. (Well, guess I only battled myself because the stern looking soldiers would have had me for lunch). Platoon 10. Mother of all platoons.”Iyalaya!!!” Confidently, we were coming last in all the competitions. Dancing, breakdance, name it. Before long, ten over ten (10/10) became an anthem in the camp. Naeto C became our brand ambassador. Wait on it! That’s another story for another day.

I digress.

Flying High...

Flying High…

My location is currently locked in 13.0364° N, 8.3178° E. That’s Daura. The President’s hometown. The spiritual home of the Hausa people. Well, that’s the cool gist I was told. The room I lay my head in Kongolam is five (5) minutes’ walk to Niger Republic. I’ve once had a meal in Nigeria and drank water in Niger Republic. Daura is just seven (7) hours from Abuja. The city hosting the wedding of the year. And again, as usual, I’m carrying last.

Kongolam - Border Post

Kongolam – Border Post

I had early wrote about this union. Inked about the engagement of Bonnymaid and Ayomaid. Which you can still read Here. That write-up had won me the African Journalist of the Year Award (Dream on). I had plans. Bought my White Brocade. Tailored my Agbada. Complete Yoruba Demon Apparel. But I won’t be attending. As much as I hate coming up with excuses, this one seems inevitable. I’m so sorry.

Yoruba Demon

Yoruba Demon Apparel

Muyiwa will make a great husband. Well, he’s been a good lad. It’s been ten (10) years I came across this gig mind. It’s been a decade of awesomeness. Omobolanle, elegant, poise and easygoing. Wife material, 100 yards. Formidable union where God will be the bedrock. I wish you both nothing but joy, happiness and the blessings of marriage. I would have love to drop some marital advice but what do I know? A single, not eligible man like me. Nonetheless, make Jehovah the third man in the relationship and things will go on well. Right?

Nothing I write will make up for not attending. I was to have a part in the reception program. It’s that bad. But patronizing the couple should give me a soft landing, yeah? I hope so. For those who made it to the wedding, be kind enough to share the fun with me. Let me know what I missed. I’ll be gentle on myself while crying.

Olumuyiwa and Omobolanle

Olumuyiwa and Omobolanle

Happy Married Life Olumuyiwa and Omobolanle Ogundare.

 

Random Thoughts With Asat – All Asat Facts Known To Mankind, Vol 2

Great week it’s been for me. Certainly, yours must have been more sweeter. As you all know, you and I have a connection. We are connected by a force. An indelible bond. You are moved by love to read this. ASAT is our connection. Some weeks back, you were privileged to some classified “Unknown to Mankind” intels about Asat. While the reactions to it was mind blowing, what you read was just a tip in the iceberg.

Today, consider yourself among the few honored to further learn new infos about the person of Asat.

If you missed the first part, we are kind enough to share it Here.

Below are the Asat Facts known to mankind. Asat himself knows a million more:

  • Sneh is the other name for Asat. That’s why you all are ending your names with it.
  • Asat once went to a movie, and it watched him for two hours.
  • When Mark Zukerberg created Facebook, he already had a friend request waiting from Asat.
  • Asat’s keyboard doesn’t have a question mark, Asat only has answers.
  • Asat is never late, time is just only been early.
  • Asat wakes up his alarm clock every morning.
  • Asat puts his shirt on with his arms crossed.
  • Asat once took a lie detector test. Well, the machine confessed everything.
  • Asat can win a game of connect 4 in 3 moves.
  • Asat starts a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
  • Asat isn’t self-obsessed. Obsession is obsessed with Asat.
  • Asat does not use mouse to scroll, he use lion.
  • When Olamide sang Shakiti Bobo, he was only hailing Asat. That’s why the song blowed.
  • When Asat looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Asat.
  • When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Asat.
  • When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, he was welcomed there by Asat.
  • Asat’s E-mail is “yahoo@Asat.com
  • Asat was once stopped at a roadblock the Police officer gave him his license, his police ID and #100 Egunje.
  • Asat heartbeat is measured in richter scale.
  • When the Terminator met Asat, he didn’t came back anymore.
  • The missing piece in the Apple logo was eaten by Asat.
  • Asat can buy a HappyHour Juice and make it sad.
  • Asat calendar goes straight from March 30 to April 2. Why? Because NO ONE fools Asat.
  • Tsunamis aren’t really natural disasters. It’s just one of those days when Asat goes swimming in the ocean.
  • Once Asat and Time had a race. The result? Time is still running.
  • When Asat attempted to play Temple Run, the temple ran away.
  • Asat was once hit by BRT! The bus was declared a right off… Asat was unhurt.
  • Asat can eat ogbono with a fork.
  • Asat got 100% in his school exams because he wrote “Asat” for every answer.
  • Asat once killed two stones with one bird.
  • Asat is an Enigma.

There you go. What’s your favorite Asat Fact? Share your thoughts with me in the comment section and let’s have a go at it.

Enjoy the weekend, Catch fun, rest, talk God. Monday is by the corner. Remember, Asat died 15 years ago, Death just hasn’t plucked up the courage to tell him.

If you think you had a rough week, Remember this Fam in your Prayers.

If you think you had a rough week, Remember this Fam in your Prayers.

Random Thoughts With Asat – Straight Outta Beat Merchants

Nigeria is blessed, right? Well, when it comes to music, Nigeria is short from been fully blessed. Artists who sings sense are getting scarce. We are losing them not to Diseases or death. Contemporary Hiphop is the dearth of our musical soul.

I have said countless times I only rate few Nigerian artistes. While some are blazing “I Want Your Body Sleeping in my bed” and listing Fashola Eleniyan and Ogunmola Eleniyan as the bedmates, another of your contemporary artists promised to take you to his house; “from my couch to the BED, from the BED to the BEDOOM” Common Mbok!!!! Does the Bed precede the Bedroom? Olodo Oshi!!!

Asa, Brymo, Timi Dakolo and Bez have consistently been singing sensible songs in the face of musical impunity. I intentionally left out Cobhams because I see him as more of a producer than a singer! More recently, I’ve been following the carrier path of Adekunle Gold. Great Voice, nice delivery. Sade and Orente is a soothing balm to music lovers.

Iyanya is actually a sorry case in Nigeria music. Yes, he’s rich. Yes, Girls love him more. Yes, he now has a house in Lekki, but all at what cost? He used to be an artist, a proper artist that sings. But he pursued fame, glory and money. He left the musical path. He did Kukere and supposedly “blowed”. He’s been dishing out nonsense ever since. Entirely his fault? Nah! Y’all won’t listen to him when he was singing blues. He gave up and pursued the easy route.

I digress.

What’s been happening around me in the past week?

Straight Outta Everything!!!

Well, I just had to do this

Well, I just had to do this

See. I don’t rate Dr Dre. I don’t even know a beat of his songs. But I seriously respect him. I respect a smart entrepreneur when I see one. Dre and Beyonce’s Husband are more of business artists than music producers. You own a Beat By Dre right? You surely know the trademark owner, yeah? And if u you’ve join the “StraighOutta” bandwagon, just so you know, you’ve been helping Dr Dre promote his new album released this month. Now that’s smart PR from the Dre camp. My PR friend, DEBBIE can surely learn something from that.

Speaking of friends.

Seems everyone around me are stepping up big time. El Jay opening up his World Class Laundry and Dry cleaning Office. If you live around Surulere, he’s in Bode Thomas road, opposite Sweet Sensations. Way to go lad.

El Jay Laundry and Dry Cleaning Services

El Jay be mixing it with ’em Big boys

Tracy finally left Warri and added to the over-population of Lagos. I mean, wetin the waffi girl dey find for Lag? On behalf of Oluomo 1 of Lagos, all the Danfo Drivers and the Agberos, I officially welcome you to Gidi. If you find your way to Apapa by any means, ask anyone around for Dotun Popoola. He runs Tin Can Island now.

Segun has taken her dimple to another level. She’s making money with it now. When a girl approach you to buy something with smile and a curvy dimple, wont you buy? Who wouldn’t? My girlfriend making serious beads these days with her Arewah Signature imprint. Lemme know if you would need one.

Arewah Signature

Arewah Signature

Finally, Karin been learning scooting. Way to go girl. By the time you’re through, guess you will have to ride round the new 5 regions of Nepal with Bidur. Some love story I’ll definitely leave to talk about some other day.

Sleep goddess

Sleep goddess

 You may need to check out Timi Dakolo’s “Wish Me Well” sound. Perfect Delivery. Fantastic video. For copyright issues, I wont be sharing the link here but hey, itunnes is just a click away. Go get it.

Remember to share your views with me as usual in the comment section. I’ll definitely give a reply. Keep your head up. Keep your game tight.

Enough of my ranting. I’ll be Back!

Random Thoughts with Asat – Ayomaid and BonnyMaid. Engagemaid.

Childhood Dream

Childhood Dream

Fresh and Briskly I woke up on Monday. The first day of the week. The day most of us dread. The day that reminds us of the capitalism that has override humanity. The day that takes the fun of the weekend away. Monday is always grumpy. Truth be told, we all almost hate Mondays.

July 27, 2015. The last Monday of the month of July. A Monday I was happy to wake up to. A Monday that had been set up years back.

The journey had started at Adekunle Ajasin University, Akungba Akoko. Like all university romance, it “blowed” and looked solid. But many expected it to end right at the university gate, as that’s the culture of our generation. But this guy is not from this clime. When it comes to the ways of this world, he’s from Mars. An Alien. Fela Anikulapo Kuti referred to himself as “Abami Eda”. He wouldn’t have if he had been privileged to meet this noble man.

Muyiwa Ayomide Ogundare

Muyiwa Ayomide Ogundare

Muyiwa Ayomide Ogundare. A special clone who is planning to leave us behind. Leaving the bachelor life behind. Migrating to a glorious state. A clone who’s planning on wearing a ring soon. Well, he’s still a clone to me till he starts using the ring.

I Digress.

Ayomaid. A special name sweetened when heard from the honey lips of Bonnymaid. Never been close to Bola. Don’t know if that would change soon but I know her from afar. A gentle heart and a lovingness that radiates. You don’t need to be a buddy to feel that. A special soul.

Bola Oguntuberu

Bola Oguntuberu

Lakeside. Azure Sky. 22 degress. Federal Capital Territory. My special clone asked the four words. For reasons best known to him he had to ask three times (wait, didn’t I tell you he’s a clone?).

“Will You Marry Me?”

It took about four minutes. She’s staring. Lost. Happy. Speechless. She’s overwhelmed with joy. It’s been her dream. It’s been his too. He pulled the ring and fixed it. Don’t ask me what happened immediately after. Minutes later, they drove into the moon.

Was it a fairy tale? He’s saying No. Insisting fairy tales don’t last. But who cares. Bonnymaid is happy. The whole fraternity is happy.

Love can be brutal. Several love stories are epic nollywood scripts with a whole lot of you guys playing Jim Iyke. But my clone has been the Ramson Noah of this movie shoot. He’s just delivered a Hollywood Boxoffice.

Congratulations Muyiwa Ayomide Ogundare and Bola Oguntuberu. I’ve placed order for my ten yard Guinea brocade. White Agbada for “Idobale” that day we meet your parents Bola.

My White Agbada on "Idobale" day will be better than this Tola's own.

My White Agbada on “Idobale” day will be better than this Tola’s own.

As for my special clone, who I’ll repeatedly be calling so because I know he’ll still knock me whenever we see for calling him a clone, you’re probably the smartest individual I’ve come across my whole life. That’s what makes you a clone.

World Smartest Clone

World Smartest Clone

Let the countdown begin.

Random Thought with Asat – All Asat Facts Known To Mankind

It’s Wednesday People!!!!

The good thing about Wednesday is the reminder it gives that the week is almost over and weekend is near. Yeah, it’s almost Friday!

So what is trending today?

It’s Asat Baby.

Y’all know Asat is a phenomenon and I bet many of you crave his love and attention. However, how well do you know this special character. Here in here, your quest for answers is almost over.

Below are the Asat Facts known to mankind. Asat himself knows a million more:

Asat is an Enigma!

Asat is an Enigma!

  • Once a cobra bit Asat’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  • Asat’s dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Asat will not take shit from anyone.
  • Asat never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
  • Asat cannot be Asated.
  • Once Asat got in a fight with superman… the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside
  • Once Death had a near-Asat experience
  • Asat counted to infinity TWICE
  • Once Asat invented a rock that was too heavy even for him to lift. Then he lifted it anyway.
  • Asat once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
  • The last digit of pi is Asat.
  • Asat’s cell no. is 1
  • Asat doesn’t talk. His thoughts are fed to the brains of his contacts.
  • Asat doesn’t cry. He laughs
  • Asat once pulled a building out of a burning building
  • Asat is now a verb for “kicking ass”
  • Asat can walk on water, and swim on land
  • Asat does a push up, he is not pushing himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.
  • Asat does not dodge bullets, bullets dodge Asat.
  • Will Smith’s ‘I am legend’ is loosely based on the life and times of Asat.
  • Asat doesn’t ring bells, they shiver when they see him
  • Asat Makes Onion Cry.
  • When Asat lost his wallet, The world financial crisis began.
  • When Asat watches the matrix he doesn’t see a movie, he sees a documentary of his childhood.
  • B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    letters before Asat was born.
  • When Asat was young his mum rocked him to sleep with REAL rocks!
  • Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Asat to die before they attack.

To be continued…………..

There you go. What’s your favorite Asat Fact? Share your thoughts with me in the comment section and let’s have a go at it.

Do have a lovely day. Remember, Asat doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Flash or Back?

Tonight, I draw inspiration from Wizkalifa. Do I see him as a role model? No! Do I give a hoot about his music? Not really! Do I envy his Tattoos? Never! Wiz duet with Charlie Puth on “See You Again” is my stimulus.

I’ve been Awol from here. Totally MIA. It’s been absolutely eccentric but I guess I have no excuse whatsoever. I want to be back. I want to be close to you all again. I want you all to read my thoughts again. I want us to have a connection again. Inside me, the “Little boy in me” is giving me a guilty apparel of Love Break-up. I hope you all will take me back.

I promise to be a here at least once in a week, for the time being and we see where we take this to. This time around, consistency is what I’ll seek.

This will be Fun again. My hands on my Chest. Tell your neighbors, tell your boss. Asat is Back.

“Random Thoughts with Asat” is rebirthed!

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again……….

If you’ve not seen the song before, check it Here.

*** WE CAN’T CARRY BAG*** MICHAEL JACKSON’S CHILDREN PULL OUT OF JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES

According to the United Kingdom’s Dailymail, the daughter of Michael Jackson, Paris who just turned 15 has refused to participate in Jehovah’s witnesses door to door preaching, a weekly family tradition where her grandmother, Katherine and the family move from door to door for preaching.

After years of going with her family around their Calabasas, California neighbourhood spreading the religion’s message every Sunday, the 15-year-old and her brother Prince Michael, 16, have decided to no longer participate.

Evidently, Prince and Paris are now “big boy and girls” and certainly feel that they’re too Big to carry Bag up and down the neighborhood in the name of preching.

It would be recalled that Michael Jackson, their father, used to attend the meetings of the witnesses before he released his World famous “Thriller” video.

Father Nails His Kids To Plank, Says They Are Witches 19 hours

A forty-year-old man, John Friday Akpan, from Akwa Ibom State but resident in Calabar, the Cross River State capital, is now explaining to the police how he allegedlyheeded the advice of a herbalist, one Dr Okokon, and tagged his two children, Elisha Udobong and Esther, as witches.

Akpan, who allegedly subjected the two children, aged 12 and 6 respectively, to harrowing treatment by nailing them to a plank and locking them up without foodfor days, was said to have told the police the children took his money to their “master in the witchcraft world and therefore deserved no mercy”.

The children, whose emaciated and dirty appearance replicated the images of starving children in famine ravaged Somalia and war torn Sudan following weeks of starvation, said they survived on water supplied by one of the man’s kids by another woman.
“Our sister, Peace, usually brought us water inside the hut when our father and our mother had gone out”, Esther said.

The father, the kids said, used to reside in Akpabuyo with the family where he sent them to a private school, Regent Nursery and Primary School, Ikot Nkanda, but when their mother died and the man took another wife, Iquo, the story changed.

Elisha, in JSS1, said: “My mother (stepmother ) said the woman who used to live near our house in Akpabuyo gave us food and she put something in the food and when we ate it we changed to birds at night and took out father’s money to our master in the witchcraft world”.

According to the boy, he was alleged to have taken 4 000 naira while Esther took 2000 and that angered their father and step mother who started beating them and denying them food “because they said we took the money to our master”.

The maltreatment became worse when they relocated to Calabar and took up residence at 23 Akpandem Street, off Edim Otop Street at the municipality.

“He (father) nailed us to one big plank and beat us that we should bring back the money but we had no money to give to him”, Esther said.

Unable to get back his money from the children, Akpan allegedly went for the final onslaught against the kids by locking them up in an abandoned hut where he lived so that they could die.

“When the situation became too bad, neighbours, worried that the children may die and the police descend on them, raised the alarm and reported to the police at the Airport Division who swooped on the parents and got them arrested”, Mr James Ibor, a child rights activist, told Sunday Vanguard.

He said the DPO of the Airport Division called him “at about 11 am on Friday, March 8 that there was another case of children stigmatisation as witches and I went to the station and behold, what I saw made me weep”.

Ibori said the children were so hungry and weak that it was apparent that they would have died if they had not been rescued.

“They were so weak that we had to give them water first, then some fruits; even at that the system of the girl could not accommodate the fruits and she had to visit the toilet afew minute after she ate thebanana I gave to them”.

DSP John Umoh, the spokesman of the Cross River State Police Command, said efforts were on to arrest Okokon the herbalist so that “he and the parents can appear in court to answer charges on felony”.

Use Of Slang is Affecting Nigerian Students

Just look at those girls coming, those two are ‘Titus,’ as you can see, they are slim. That one is a ‘shark’ because she is loaded, and the other one is ‘Cote’ because she is plump. None of them is really ‘endowed’, we use endowed for a girl that is spotless and perfect to look at”, Lekan Rabiu said, as his friends oohed, aahed nodded in agreement.

If it were a normal conversation among four undergraduate guys, there would have been no need for explanation of terms. But this was a lecture of some kind, and Lekan and his friends were the lecturers of slang 101, the student:
A quadlife on a quest to permeate the slang-dom of the Nigerian student.

From secondary schools especially with boarding systems, were ‘bunkie’ means ‘bunk mate’ and ‘fap’ means ‘steal’, teachers, parents and outsiders generally, can get lost in the lingua franca of students. But the slang situation borders beyond lack of understanding by external parties, some scholars believe that the use of slangs adversely affects students’ use of the English language.

Martha Nguemo Terna-Abah, a lecturer at the Department Of English And Literacy Studies, Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria is one of such.
In her study,”The Prevalence Of Slang Use Among The Students Of Students of Basic Remedial Studies/Abu Funtua And Its Effects On The Teaching Of English As A Second Language.”
She argues that “Slang words and expressions filter into students’ write-ups thereby hampering meaning, hence, effective communication especially when such slang items are the same with those of the Standard English but of different meanings depending on whether they are used as slang or otherwise. These include slang items like dry (uninteresting), blast (defecate) crash (sleep) shot gun (unexpected test) pepper (money) killer (glutton), joint (cigarette containing marijuana) tapping (okay) flash (lies) and many more.”

However, Jibola Olubiyi, Bosun Anyankoha, and Ubaka Moore all undergraduates at the University of Lagos do not believe that the use of slangs affects their command of the English language, especially in writing. When asked about the rationale behind the useof slangs, they gave reasons ranging from the fact that it is an indirect way to make jest of someone, talk about people in a way that they won’t understand, or simply “make someone vex.”

The last objective here must have been accomplished as the use of slangs recently ‘vexed’ one of the lecturer out of class.
One of them narrated:

“The lecturer was teaching and said ‘first of all’, all of a sudden everybody replied ‘go down low’, it happened twice, so the lecturer got upset and left.” The song ‘first of all’ by artiste Olamide is not the first set of lyrics to find its way onto students’ vocabulary. Everyone knows that words like Koko and Kokolette are the fault of Koko master ‘D’banj.’

Song lyrics are just a tip of the iceberg; As words like ‘sebi, abi and kai’ stain the vocabulary of the average Nigerian, slangs used on campus continue to find their way to students’ diction on the compass of indigenous languages.
A common slang on campuses, especially in western Nigeria is the term, “Were re o!” Got from the Yoruba language, it is used to refer to an abnormal person.

Another term ‘Te P’ is what many will call a complex word. ‘Te’ is also got from the Yoruba dictionary and is used to refer to pressing something down for a long time. ‘P’ here implies the letter ‘P’ on the keyboard ofa computer. Literally, it makes no sense, but in campus terms ‘Te P’ and its synonym ‘Ctrl P’ is used for someone who takes things too personal.

As Remi Adelakun, a student of Geology put it, “there are some things that you can’t properly express in English language, for such scenarios, you can use a slang that accurately expresses what you have in mind. It’s much like speaking in tongues.”
Toyin Obalende, who is studying economics said that using slangs is the best way to communicate as it entails the use of short, explicit terms. She said:
“Another thing is that when you use it at the right moment, you get approval from your friends.”

This assertion of peer approval proved Terna-Abah right when she asserted that:
“Unlike those days when students strived to attain a degree of mastery in the language, students see slang as providing a form of status and an easy way out for them where slang items are readily used to replace words which are unknown instead of consulting their dictionaries. It is unfortunate to see that these bad students ridicule other fellow students’ effort at attaining a certain mastery of the Standard English while they envy and copy those who are proficient in the use of slang.”

Adverse effects or not, slangs are here to stay so you might as well learn them so you don’t get lost.

Culled from the campus section of ngex.com.ng